The Library of Cancelled Films

I was having lunch with Kurt Schlichter the other day (no, I am not above a little name dropping, why do you ask?) and I said something that Kurt, as brilliant as he is, said had not occured to him before.

I said that when it comes to cancelling “problematic” films, Jeff Bezos has the world’s largest kill switch. If Bezos decides, on his own or as a result of activist pressure, that a film is too problematic for the Proles to be allowed to watch, then he can make that film go away with the literal flip of a switch.

I saw Kurt go pale as he tried to mentally catalogue which of his favorite films might be forced to the digital guillotine in the years to come.

And this is not some wild conspiracy theory, it’s already begun. SONG OF THE SOUTH, for instance, is already gone. I must confess that I don’t much care about that. From what I remember (it’s been a long time), there is some pretty ugly stuff in there. But I hate censorship more than I hate anything, and as Larry Flynt’s lawyer once pointed out, we must work hardest to defend the rights of those whose ideas we hate the most. Because if we don’t, the forces of darkness will quickly turn their “Eye of Sauron” away from those people and focus it squarely on the rest of us.

And since I am a believer in the theory that you should hope for the best and plan for the worst, for the last year I have been building a library of “problematic” DVDs. This is a collection of films, hard copies only for obvious reasons, that I believe will one day be branded as too problematic to be allowed to exist.

Here’s the list of the films I’ve collected so far, along with the scene (or scenes) that I believe will eventually get them cancelled. Not all of these films are great… some are brilliant, of course… and some of them aren’t very good at all… but like I said I hate censorship more than I hate bad movies.

BLAZING SADDLES – Why it will be banned: Well… y’see… I mean… uh… the thing is… aw hell…

WHITE CHRISTMAS – Why it will be banned: Two words… “Minstrel Show.”

CADDYSHACK – Why it will be banned: This is a target rich environment, but I think I’ll go with the scene that ends with Porterhouse grinding Judge Smails’ shoes into oblivion. Also… his name is “Porterhouse.”

ANIMAL HOUSE – Why it will be banned: Dear God where the hell do I start? On the one hand, most of the villains are white racists, so that’s points in its favor. But there’s just too much on the other side of the scale. I kinda want to go with the scene in the Honky Tonk where Flounder asks a black patron where he goes to school and gets a knife pulled on him, right before another black patron asks “Do you mind if we dance wif yo dates?” and then rips the cocktail table right out of the floor. But here in the #MeToo era, I think you have to go with Otter’s closing “argument” from the “Trial” of the DTX (Detox, get it?) fraternity. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests… we did.”

THE THREE AMIGOS – Why it will be banned: This is one where I can’t point to a specific reason, it’s just that, like Han Solo, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

SOUL MAN – Why it will be banned: I mean… come on.

M*A*S*H – Why it will be banned: Well, they pretty much sexually harrass Hot Lips Houlihan right out of the Army… so there’s that.

MAJOR LEAGUE – Why it will be banned: Because it will be too expensive to go back in and digitally remove all the Indians logos from the ball caps after the MLB bans them from Baseball. Also, Pedro Cerrano’s vaguely voodoo-ish religious practices are probably offensive to somebody somewhere.

That’s what I’ve got so far? What am I missing? Let me know down in the comments… and hurry, there’s a clock ticking and we need to get this done while there’s still time.